I was watching the football games yesterday with a group of friends and we got to talking about some of our various hook up stories.. It got me remembering some of my less than pretty stories (the ones my friends love reminding me of)

I’ve written about some of my best pick up stories… I thought that i would share with you some of my worst over the next couple days. I’d also like you guys to share some of your worst stories as well…

Snowballed by Bobby Rio

I was in the worst drought of my life at the time. I was fresh out of college, and had just been dumped by the girl I thought I was going to marry. My skills and confidence were at an all time low. But worst of all… I just fucking need to blow a load!!!

Some of my old college buddies were having a little get together at their house and invited me. Although I tried to stay away from frat houses as I was trying to “make it in the real world” the offer was just too tempting. The thought of hot young drunk college girls was enough to persuade me and my friend Jake to blow off work the next day and head out on a Tuesday night to relive some former glory.

The party was less than spectacular. The mixer was with a sub par sorority and the talent pool was slim. Still in a bit of a depression I proceeded to drink myself silly. As the night started to wind down I got hungry. I mean licking my chops, willing to fuck anything..hungry.

Jake was in no better shape then me. At one point we were standing together sipping keg beer from our red cups when this sloppy fat chick starts trying to dance with us. We jokingly sandwiched her and danced a little, and whispered to each other that “if all else fails we take her upstairs and tag team her.”

A few minutes later I noticed a chick that was cute (in relation to the other pigs at the party) and I went over and started conversing with her. In my drunken state I assumed we hit it off pretty well. Unfortanetely my game was pretty bad at this point and I just kept talking about nonsense and wound up boring her to death. She excused herself to go to the bathroom. I waited for her about ten minutes. When she didn’t return, I stalked her out like the hungry wolf that I was.

I found her upstairs making out with one of the younger frat brothers. What was left of my confidence was officially shattered. I did the walk of shame back downstairs. At this point there wasn’t anybody downstairs so I just plopped on the couch and waited for Jake so we could leave.

A couple minutes later the fat girl from earlier walks in the front door. I looked at this as a gift from god. I immediately got her on the couch. Stroked her hair. Told her she was sexy. And a minute later I was lying on a dirty couch making out with her. I am not going to lie and say she had any redeeming qualities. She didn’t. She had breath that made me want to puke. But i kept kissing her and slowly slipping my hand down her pants.

As luck would have it… the door opens again and a handful of girls walk into the house. These girls happened to be from my ex girlfriends sorority. They looked at me in shock when they saw me lying on the couch with the piglet. I just put my head down in shame. They were kind enough to head upstairs without making conversation with me.

Once they left, I figured all my dignity was gone, I may as well finish the deal. I told the piglet I would be right back and headed out to my car to grab a condom. As I was walking outside Jake was walking back in the house.

“Yo, I’ve got the fat girl inside half naked and ready to fuck” I tell him. “If you’re still down we can do her porn style”

“Dude, I was just with her behind the shed outside. She gave me a killer blowjob, swallowed and everything” Jake tells me.

I don’t know if it was the 12 red cups of Bud Ice, the fact I got caught on the couch with a fatty by my ex girlfriend’s whole sorority, or the realization that I just made out with a piglet three minutes after she swallowed my buddies cum….

But I started dry heaving uncontrollably, and finally went outside and pulled the trigger… blowing junks all over the front porch.

6 years later Jake is still asking me how his babies taste.

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